I am slowly being tortured into submission by the Publishers Clearing House. The daily bombardment of solicitations makes Facebook look lame. It is a veritable avalanche. Whomever wins that check will have paid tenfold for it with brain cell death.
Let me enumerate the various scenarios:
- This is a battle field on many fronts, laying waste via internet and snail mail. So far I’ve been spared text messages. I haven’t been spared serious letters from PCH officials, thick and official envelopes, and lengthy, convoluted emails.
- I can plan on at least five assaults a day, threatening to eliminate me, welcoming me, offering “consolation prizes,” and listing New Jersey winners to whet my money hungry appetite.
- Many of the letters are disguised as “congratulatory checks,” to further torment and entice the salivating materialist.
- Each missive is accompanied by a labyrinth of connections to mysterious links that allegedly hold a “secret number.” To get to the “secret number,” one has to traverse the solicitation of junk that makes the Lillian Vernon Catalog look like Tiffany’s.
- One can NEVER and I repeat NEVER locate the mystery number(s).
- There was one screen with an empty space and a “send” button next to it. I sent my name. Nope. I dug around in the garbage looking through the reams of ads I had discarded and sent every number I could find. No dice. I finally googled in search of help…the internet is rife with other poor pilgrims in search of the numbers and pleading for assistance. There is a sadist at Publisher’s Clearing House laughing all the way.
The hysteria we see on TV adds that feature the huge check awarded at the front door isn’t the recipient’s joy over winning the money. The person is just gleeful that the painful process has ended.
April 30th it will be finished. I assure you, I will be gleeful.
With love, Rosanne