Like everything else in life, the definition of a relationship changes over time. No matter what stage we are in, whether reproductive pairings in earlier life, or companionship needs in later life, a relationship is a healing opportunity, a place to express the depth of our being.
Unfortunately, if we see this truth , it’s usually through our rear view mirrors and not in real time. Looking back at our choices and decisions, there is definitely some “road kill” to remind us of mistakes we’ve made. Maybe we haven’t fully used the opportunities offered in a relationship. This may happen because we expect the other person to take the responsibility for our unfinished business.
Since many of us run from what we don’t want to see, relationships often become projective screens on which we often see a movie we don’t like. My suggestion is to stay until the end of the movie when the credits are rolling, and not run out of the theater at intermission.
Whatever isn’t finished in ourselves or in a relationship will be carried forward. This may be why second and third divorces happen more easily than the first. If we’ve figured out that it’s “him or her” and not me, that can be a pattern we repeat over and over again. Universal Intelligence is a patient teacher and will give us lots of chances to get it right.
If each of my relationships exposes a certain pattern, and I am a part of all of those relationships… maybe the common denominator is “me.” This is a startling realization and it’s why many of us seek counseling, a pair of objective eyes to parse out what we aren’t seeing. This isn’t an easy task since we are such complicated creatures with layers of denial and rationalization to guard our precious egos. Some of us will go down still believing “it wasn’t me.”
Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process, played with the word “blame,” calling it “be-lame.” Blaming is a short-term solution since it only gives temporary relief. In the big picture, appreciating a relationship as a mirror that can help our healing is a far more constructive and positive way to grow through open hearted connection.
I wish you the courage to face yourself, whether alone or in a relationship. Our growth comes from facing our inadequacies, digging deeper into the soul that I AM. May your journey be guided by grace and good intentions.